Updates on my life

This is my second entry into my blog, and i am already feeling constipated. Wonder if it's because I have stopped writing for such a long time that I can't seem to express my thoughts, or i just have too many grievances, food for thoughts, and comments to make that I dun even know where to start. Well this is the problem when you have stopped writing for too long, and stopped getting in touch with people and civilisation. Who knows maybe when i start meeting up with my frens, they will find me possessing a little behavioural disorder (laughs out loud). Well.. okie I'll try to be very systematic and just post some entries according to various headings.. My story is long so its preferable that it start in different episodes..

Episode 1 - The 1 year ordeal

Well, for many of my frens who know it already since last year, i deviated ridiculously to some, from accountancy to my dream to become an educator. Yeah and i went through one year of turmoil and pain, and somewhat a period of depression last year because I just could not accept the culture in that place and the frequency of the people whom i've met. I am not proclaiming that all teachers are bad, and all mid career switchers are evil, but somehow I was disappointed that almost everyone i met were not sincere and genuine, and all they talked about was the pay rise, the workload and giving you the jealous and competitive look if you do projects and if you do fare better than them. But then again, I came to realise that it's not because the organisation or people were screwed up, but rather that this is called work reality and politics, which was a term rather remote to me, a young gullible fresh graduate. But anyway that period was extremely awful for me, because i had to convince myself that i should believe in my path and my resolve to teach with dignity, and at the same time live with the fact that black sheeps who just wanna climb up the promotion ladder through backstabbing or jealousy would exist.. even in the world of education. I even asked myself why i stupidly gave up that job offer to come into this place where i had to adhere to policies which i did not even feel were right, and where people who had warped reasons for coming in would have been accepted in the first place. The feeling was extremely horrible, painful and something which I would not want to experience again. I was angry with people whom i felt did not support me, betrayed me in certain ways or another.. and even my family whom i felt did not even give a damn about me when i was in my darkest moments alone in my hostel. I was torn between my dream and the burden of having be bound to my hefty bond. I was also damn angry with myself for being who i am.. gullible.. for helping and having ten more people always comign to me.. to make use of me.. and can't being able to reject them and be more evil and street smart. I wondered why i could not lead a peaceful life if i did good and just be a simple person. I almost crashed into insanity because i was frustrated with having to constantly force myself to move on and work hard. I was under pressure to perform and not succumb to any possible breakdowns because this meant there would be no one with a stable career to support my parents in future.. and i would bring shame to my mum.

I was always viewed as the easy going least stressed person in the family.. even though i hid tonnes of my pain from them over the years. I always had a way to escape from my problems.. but during this time.. i almost felt that i had none. I finally reached the end point.. and I wanted to allow myself jsut for this once to have that audacity and freedom to crumble and fall.. to admit to people that i was vulnerable too... and i could sink into depression. I wanted to end it all.... I almost forgot the strength that my deceased friend had brought to me. I looked down on myself for thinking that way but i couldn't help it. So it was also at this time where i chose to turn away from many people.

But this journey also gave me many valuable insights to life and to many of my friends whom i cherish very much. I think without them, I wouldn't be able to go through this whole phase to successfully finish my postgraduate course and teaching practice. It taught me the true spirit of friendship, love and mutual understanding. When i was at my darkest moments, there were people who stepped out to helped me and sacrifice mentally, emotionally and financial to see me through it all.

First of all, there was A who took the most daring step to stay with me in the rented flat just to be there with me while i was studying, even when he took 1 over hour to get to his workplace every single day. Well actually there were already plans for us to stay outside for a while because we needed some space away from our parents and family and perhaps to experience alittle independence for a while. But he sure went through much objection from his parents to move in with me, and till today i do feel that i owe it to him and his parents for everything that i have now in a large part. We went through alot during this time, having to ration our food and household expenses to support the hefty rental expenses, tolerate the crazy landlady who enjoyed borrowing money from us seeing that we were kind hearted and yelling at me, and the bad environment.

Then there were all my buddies who kept me sane and going on when i was at my worst moments... when i came back from a day of sheer disgust from my tutors' and classmates' string pulling behaviours in school. Especially to Sang and gang for being there for me. Sang was also one person who tirelessly made her time out for me when I needed someone to talk to, or have dinner with when all was dark and quiet at home.. and when i was feeling miserable with my family not trying to keep in contact with me all this while i was out fending for myself there. I vividly remembered the day I came home and cried on my bed helplessly after I put in so much effort into my presentation and having those bootlickers being praised by my tutor and me and a few other frens receiving cold comments from her despite the glaring fact that their work was sloppy.. That day i din feel like having any dinner at all.. and I msged sang.. she came to have dinner and coffee with me after a hard days' work.. and it took all my troubles away because I knew someone believed in me. And there were also all the gals' nite out + one guy la who eventually became a pseudo gal

Then there were also those whom i din keep constant contact with, but have given me advice and let me know that they are there for me in times of trouble. And thanks to God who has in subtlety and through others, shown me messages to live life well and to believe myself, and to know what it means to live life with purpose and meaning.

To all of you, i have to express my eternal thanks. Even a thousand thanks ain't enough because the gratitude that i have towards these people just cannot be described and written in words. And if i do have children, i would tell them that they existed today because of you guys. And i am glad i said this before I age and die. Love you gals and love you my dear A, for being accepting towards me in every way possible.

My stay out there alone also allowed me to reflect on my actions and my perceptions towards life. Well first came the essential life skills.. like having the perseverence to handle everything on your own.. bills.. cleaning, cooking.. mopping and ironing. I can say that that was a big challenge for me and A. It made me realise how fortunate I was to be able to sit in the comfort of my home, not having to worry about the next bowl of rice.. and the cleaning, albeit the nagging and the frequent bickering of my parents. I also felt bad when my mum used to tell me that my dad asked her when i was coming back. I guess in some way or another, communication is zilch in my family cos of the way we are and yes you would say we are rather screwed up as a family when we step on one another's toes.. but it made me realise in a way that i loved my family alot.. and i did miss them very much when i was away.. but this sadness translated into stubborn anger when my mum did not call me to ask how i was..But then it also dawned upon me that she was upset with my moving out with A and at the same time she did not know how to communicate her concern to me because we did not often talk.

But both of us also came out stronger from this experience... less wilful.. more aware of our responsibilities and commitments. Yes i am back in the east... with my family history coming in once again.. but i think that's bliss compared to my days at the west. This teaches you that for every grass that you think is greener on the other side...there's always a new weed somewhere.. Nothing is perfect..and as much as many of us would like to exchange family for freedom and happiness... you would realise that the latter is priceless. Till today, i still have that struggle between me staying at home.. or going out and staying away because of my dad's incessant ramblings.. but at least i give it extra thought and deliberation now.

I almost went mad during this one year.. but it was the simple yet powerful bond of companionship and friendship that kept me alive and breathing in this hectic society. You can buy all the expensive things in this world.. but at the end of the day.. you are nothing and you will never shine without friendship and love. Another thing that i learnt? Being at peace is to be at peace with yourself and your actions. Nothing else matters.

Hello hello

After god knows how many months of lull blogging period (yes my peak was in 2005 when i was stressed out in the midst of maxing my accounting textbooks), perhaps it's time to relive my little online blog so that at least I would have some recollection of what i had done, reflected upon and laughed about throughout my lifetime. Even if I dun have a dime in my will, at least this would be a nice keepsake and remant of myself for my grandchildren to keep. Talk about IT and E textbooks. I wun suppose my blog will be well read by millions of people like Anne Frank's cos obviously mine would be full of nonsensical ravings.. but it will be a nice memory for myself and maybe for someone who appreciates my kinda personality and humour, the occasional entertainment or affiliation. Well being a busy bee and no life person, my blog entries may not be conscientious though..but heck. oH well... inspiration is surrendipitous ain't it?

Well i hope i will be blogging soon. Just need a little more recuperation from my tiredness all these years.

I also found what remains of my old bloggie.. reading it was such a joy. I din know i was so mad and having so much verbal diarrhoea. But it's such a lovely keepsake to read through what i had gone through with my frens as well as the occasional morbid pains and poems.

http://zxfsingapore.tripod.com/Papillonspassegers2/